Carlin's Seven Dirty Words (i

George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words"

condensed from transcripts i found on the Usenet of the original famous two speeches and edited to make a smoother transition from spoken word to printed word...

[this project is incomplete]

I love words.
I thank you for hearing my words.
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important.

I love [words] as I say, they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. We assign a word to a thought, and we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words.

I like to think the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.

There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words.

Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television.

What a ratio that is!!

399,993 to seven!

They must really be bad!

They'd have to be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you over here, you seven. Bad words." That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.'

There are no bad words.

Bad thoughts.

Bad Intentions.

And words.

You know the seven don't you?
Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, huh?
Those are the heavy seven.
Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.
Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits,
wow.
Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname.

Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list... Like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that.

And we mentioned shit earlier, of course. Two of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt,

And of course the word Fuck. I mean, I think the word fuck is an important word. It's the beginning of life, and, yet it's a word we use to hurt one other, quite often. And, people much wiser than I have said I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one other. And I, of course, agree. I wish I know who said it first, and I agree with that.

There are two-way words, but those are the seven you can never say on television. Under any circumstances you just can not say them ever, ever ever, not even clinically. You can not weave them in the panel with Doc and Ed and Johnny, I mean it's just impossible, forget those seven, they're out.

But, there are some two-way words. There are double-meaning words. Remember the ones your giggled at in sixth grade? 'And the cock crowed three times.' 'Hey, the cock crowed three times. It's in the Bible.'
There are some two-way words, like it's okay for Kirk Goudy to say 'Roberto Clemente has two balls on him.' But he can't say, 'I think he hurt his balls on that play Tony, don't you? He's holding them. He must have hurt them by God.' And the other two-way word that goes with that one is prick. It's okay if it happens to your finger. Yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick. No, no.

Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public airwaves, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever, 'cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnny. And, bastard you can say, and hell and damn. So, I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed by now. A lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother-fucker, and tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor. And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. You want to be a purist it doesn't really it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word the half suck er that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-wa y dirty word, 50% dirty dirty half the time, depending on what you mea n by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th gr ade, you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laught er) the cock three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laught er) And the first time you heard about a cock-fight, remember What? Hu h? naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo- Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never real ly accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not re ally okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laught er) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lad y now in a middle- class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. Sh e says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh , the shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) ( papers ruffling) Read it! (from audience) Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the come dy album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's t rue. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that' s okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly f iguratively, Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new ma n from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter ) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick s hit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit , tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thoug ht of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I alw ays like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got th e money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laugh ter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All th e animals Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (lau ghter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy in Oklaho ma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera reminded me of th at last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laught er) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I got a shit-pot full, all right. S hit-head, shit- heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter ) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fel l in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shit -face, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter) T he big one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most . [']Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effec t. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of . Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. R ight? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it 's got a double kind of a life personality dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean ? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're go ing to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begin s life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and li fe, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to h urt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have towa rd the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally c an't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur) S tupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like yo u. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we alread y have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Ma dfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the ump , fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on th e clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you kn ow? (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? (lau ghter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I wo uld have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I do n't give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughte r) That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) It's an eight-year-ol d joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the list. I found t hree more words that had to be put on the list of words you could ne ver say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, yo u know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not w orried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a pa rt of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Lik e, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Wa lt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and pu t him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everyb ody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way wo rds. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religiou s feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your ass. (laughter) Yo u can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you can say it s weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah , thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travele rs. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also.